Read or listen. From the Bothy Band to the Undertones via passing places and annoying sheep

You can read this or listen at your leisure (it’s an hour with music by everyone from Lowell George to Kylie Minogue) by clicking on the Mixcloud link here.

Cut off! Well, not quite. I managed to squeeze the pickup past the Highland Fuels tanker which had stranded itself, one set of wheels in the newly-capacious ditch. It probably wouldn’t have happened a week or so ago, but the roadie boys have been clearing and excavating our ditches to alleviate drainage problems. It certainly wouldn’t have happened had a mysterious individual in a wee red car not forced the tanker to take evasive action on our slightly-wider-than-single-track road. The same person almost put my wife into a field yesterday. And so we await a crane, so that tractors, lorries and the expected horse-drawn stagecoach can get through.

Many, indeed most of the roads in Shetland are single-track. This is not the same as the mountain biking term, which refers to (mostly downhill) paths to be taking a terrifying speed and with great risk, on a pushbike. So, the following advice is intended for anyone coming to the isles in a motor vehicle. It applies equally to other parts of Scotland where one-lane roads endure. Or are endured. Like the Mad Max horror the so-called North Coast 500 has become.

Single-track roads should not be taken at speed. They are for driving on gingerly and with care, especially as, in Shetland, sheep and wild ponies often wander freely and the roads are often unfenced. 

Sheep and ponies are unpredictable. Some would argue that they are stupid, or evil, or both. Be very careful. Even on two-lane roads (notably through the island of Yell) which you may be tempted to drive at high speed, sheep can wander in front of you and have caused numerous accidents. At certain times of the year it is said they eat psilocybin mushrooms and therefore have religious visions; this can be troublesome.

If you hit a sheep, even if runs off, you should report the accident at the nearest shop, garage or police station. Someone was probably watching you through binoculars anyway, and taking note of your number. Every household in Shetland has at least three pairs of binoculars in use at any given moment. This is compulsory.

If you hit a pony, you are likely to cause serious damage to yourself, possibly (but not necessarily) the pony and the vehicle you are driving, which will probably be written off. Do NOT hit a pony. If you do, wait for help. Hitting a Shetland Pony is like hitting another car.

All sheep and ponies belong to someone.

As for rabbits and birds, you should be driving slowly enough to scare them off. Do not, however, cause an accident and drive off the road for the sake of a rabbit, a bird, or for that matter, a sheep. I met someone today who swerves for mice and frogs. This is generally not advised.

A single-track road is one wide enough for only one car. Nevertheless, it is not a one-way road, so cars travel on it in both directions. This means that sometimes, indeed, often, you will find a car approaching you from the opposite direction. 

Then you must look for a passing place.

This will usually be clearly marked, with a pole and the words ‘passing place’. It is very like what is known as a lay-by – a patch of tarmac by the side of the road. But you can park in a lay-by. You MUST NOT park in a passing place. Because it is for PASSING, NOT parking. 

Gaps in a fenced road with gates are for access. Do not park in front of them, lest a tractor crush your car into a cube.

The general rule is, whoever is nearer a passing place (either in front of you or behind you) should pull off into it (if it’s on the left-hand side of the road, remembering that in the UK, we drive on the left) or, if it is on the right-hand side, stop OPPOSITE it. Do not, in that instance, swerve to the opposite side of the road and stop in the passing place itself..

If two cars meet on a hill, and both have passing places behind them,  in general it is the car coming DOWN hill that should reverse and find the passing place, as it is much easier to control a car reversing uphill. Or so I’m told. It is not easy to reverse a pickup and if there’s a trailer attached, it’s more than difficult. If you meet anyone towing a trailer, you reverse as it’s possible they never have.

If you are sightseeing and a faster car comes up behind you, it is polite to let them past by pulling into a passing place (or opposite one). It is rude to flash your lights or sound your horn if you are driving the faster vehicle and wish to pass.  One famous musician in the Western Isles, annoyed by someone doing this behind him, simply abandoned his car, locked it and walked home, blocking the road. For weeks. Well, it was Christmas.

It is common in Shetland to salute (a cheery wave) anyone who stops for you. It is also common in Shetland to wave at everyone you meet on a single-track road. Using at least three closed fingers is best to avoid any gestural misunderstanding

Shouting at ponies does not work. Offering ponies carrots or other vegetables through a window will bring them and indeed their distant relatives flocking to your car, almost certainly damaging its sensitive bodywork. And indeed, will bring them flocking to your car (or the unsuspecting person who has hired it subsequently) for many decades to come, as they have very good memories. Even though they are stupid and evil.

In general, though, driving in Shetland is a delight. Go safely.

Oh, and if camping, do not pitch your tent in a graveyard. People get upset and there is the possibility of serious haunting. If I were dead and buried (as I intend to be in Eshaness, as I have reserved a plot there) I promise you, I will.

You can listen to me reading the above, with the following tracks, either by tuning in to 60 North Radio or streaming the show on Mixcloud by clicking here.

The Bothy Band — Old Hag You Have Killed Me

The Undertones — You’ve Got My Number (Why Don’t you Use It)

Nerina Pallot — Love Will Tear Us Apart

Kylie Minogue — Aphrodite

Lowell George — 20 Million Things

Amazing Rhythm Aces — The end Is Not In Sight

The Motels — Total Control

Kate Bush – Wuthering Heights

Arcade Fire — Wake Up

Yeah Yeah Yeahs — Maps

Pixies — Debaser

Air in the Lungs — Burn the Clocks

Lindsey Black — All At Sea