Please confiscate my campervan

It’s been sitting there for years

Tyres flatter than Conservative opinion polls

It’s driven us nowhere except to tears

The neighbours I must say are less than happy

They think someone’s making crystal meth inside

I parked it in that drive a year so ago

The DVLA say they weren’t notified

We drove it to Dunfermline in the darkness

Stopped in South Queensferry for a cup of tea

I heated up some water in the microwave

Watched Question Time on satellite TV

All we wanted was a wee Volkswagen microbus

Something classic that was cool and yet discreet

Instead we got this hundred grand monstrosity

I couldn’t even park it in our street

Don’t call me Heisenberg

Don’t call me Walter

I’m innocent, I’m totally bereft

We were going to catch a ferry

Calmac to the Western Isles

Until we found there weren’t any ferries left

I dreamt of wearing beads, sandals and kaftans

And heading off along the hippy trail

I had a friend who did it in the 60s

He’s still in Kathmandu and still in jail

I hoped we’d spend some time over in Lewis

Party with Angus and the local party there

But every time I booked the camper on a ferry

Calmac said they didn’t have a ferry spare

Don’t call me Heisenberg

It’s not the Krystal Ship

This isn’t Albuquerque, we’re in Fife

Please, go ahead and confiscate

Or auction off that campervan

A motorhome’s for summer

No-one told me it’s for life

(Please don’t tell the wife)

Copyright Tom Morton 2023