…and lived in Scotland

Rangers and Celtic meant nothing to him

The choice here in Glasgow was stark

He pretended to support Patrick Thistle

He didn’t know Firhill from Fir Park

He had no idea who managed Scotland

No notion of the offside rule

He thought David Beckham was a TV chef

And that heading the ball was cruel

He thought Albion Rovers were English

And that Cowdenbeath came from Brazil

Didn’t know his Dalgleish from his Dennis Law

Gary Lineker from Jimmy Hill

He thought Wimbledon was just for Wombles

Rugby was just misshapen balls

He couldn’t care less about football

He had no conversation at all