Stoats, otters, orcas, ravens, arctic terns, and…otters. They’re not all nice. Audio included, me reading.
Shetland wildlife rhymes, 1: Whitrits* rule
I do not like a whitrit, I do not love a ferret
Unless you’re hunting rabbits they have very little merit
They’ll raid your outhouse, kill your hens
They slither and they slide
Like snakes with fur and feet and very nasty teeth besides
I met one in the garden and said “greetings, Mr Stoat
I think you visited last night and did not leave a note.”
He sneered: “it wasn’t me. I haven’t been here since last week
Don’t make false accusations or I’ll clamber up your breeks
And savage your appendages which I don’t think you will favour
Though frankly I’m not certain that I will enjoy the flavour.”
I replied “I don’t debate with feral mustelids
I know your weasel ways well and you keep the truth well hid
My Staffordshire Bull Terrier will clamp his jaws so tight
On your tiny squirming head that you will cease to see the light.”
“That would be Boris,” the stoat replied
“He and I are quite good friends
He turns a blind eye every time I take some of your hens
He’s partial to a wing or sometimes a chunk of breast
While I prefer the liver I find offal is the best.”
“Who can I trust?” I moaned, “my dog betrayed me for a piece
Of this disgusting semi-rodent’s illicit midnight feast.”
He laughed: “for this rural crofting life I think you are unfit
You should depart and cede control
To us. The whitrits.”
*whitrit: Shetland dialect/Scots name for a stoat
Shetland wildlife rhymes, 2: Otters are rotters
Otters are rotters
They’re cannibalistic
And what’s more they’re nasty and vicious
They don’t turn a hair, if no alternative’s there
Of finding their offspring delicious
They kill for the thrill
My hens ducks and geese
Just to watch the poor animals die
Then they pose and they preen
If any tourists are seen
“How cuddly and cute” they all sigh
Otters are basically whitrits, or stoats
You’ll admit the resemblance lingers
Even though they can swim
They’re essentially grim
Terry Nutkins: one bit off his fingers
I blame Gavin Maxwell
(That basking shark killer)
Henry Williamson’s Tarka the Otter
Pure sentimentality
When the reality’s
Very far from a Ring of Bright Water
Some say the pests
Should be eradicated
And hunt them with crossbow and trap
But when visitors stay
We’re content to display
Our great love for the furry wee chaps!
Shetland wildlife rhymes, 3: The vegetarian orca
I like to go wild swimming
I wear a swimming suit
It’s black and made of neoprene
It comes with special boots
And gloves, I’m insulated
nothing could be better
All told I’m warm as toast
Although I’m somewhat wetter
One day an Orca sidled up
And said pray tell me please
Why are you dressed up like a seal
Is your intent to tease?
Some say I am a killer whale
But There are limits to my diet
I’ve never tasted human
I’m tempted now to try it
Oh, Mrs Orca I replied
Or maybe you’re a Miss
I would advise: from munching me
You really should desist
This rubber covering I wear
Would not be to your taste
I think the indigestion caused
Would be a dreadful waste
That may be true, so said the whale
But how am I to know?
And with a gentle nibble
She bit off my big toe
And swallowed. Then, without a word
She turned and swam away
I suppose the flavour
Left her unimpressed that day
I swam back to the beach
My rubber boot now torn and bloody
And to the hospital I went
And there my foot was studied
A doctor stitched and bandaged me
And said I hope you’ll feel
In future somewhat less inclined
To dress up like a seal
I nodded. Yes, indeed I said
I know I’ve been a fool
In future my immersion
Will be in a heated pool
No mammals there are dangerous
Or would cause me injury
All but those who are incontinent
And cannot help but pee
Months passed. And finally it seemed
Wild swimmers swam in fear
For it seemed that locally
several toes had disappeared
Orcas had been hunting seals
In their vicinity
Perhaps the taste for neoprene
Acquired because of me.
Shetland wildlife rhymes 4: The Otter hunters
The otter hunters filled their boots
With ash, gravel and sand
To stop the draatsies* nibbling their feet
They couldn’t bite their ankles
So they chewed off half their hands
Which left the hunters somewhat incomplete
*draatsie: Shetland dialect name for an otter
Shetland wildlife rhymes, 5: Tirrick*
Tirrick, Tirrick
A second summer’s call
Swooping and flicking
The timebomb’s ticking
Tirrick, Tirrick
Sea swallow, free-fall
Arriving in such style
60,000 miles
Tirrick, Tirrick
They dive, swoop, stall
Fathers and mothers
Sisters and brothers
One good tern deserves another…
*tirrick: Shetland dialect name for an arctic tern. The birds breed in Shetland but migrate each year to and from the Antarctic. The longest migration of any creature on earth.
Shetland wildlife rhymes 6: An unkindness of ravens
Ravens in a flock:
That’s called ‘an unkindness’
A name so unfair
Only human blindness
Could slander a bird
So faithful and clever
It chooses a mate
Then keeps it forever
They gather together
They wheel, dive and swoop
Flirting and flighting
Dancing in a group
Until in sweet mystery
Partners are found
While unkindly, jealously
We’re confined to the ground
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