Three pieces of rhyme about hosiery, illicit chemicals and dodgy restaurants

Cull

Today I will cull

The singles, the strayed

The separates and loners

Their partners mislaid

The product of panicked

Inadequate packing

A rushed trip to Primark

If Tesco is lacking

That six-pack of hosiery

Non-elasticated

Cheap and disposable

Undoubtedly fated

To end up alone

In this drawer of defeat

Lonely among strangers

Never more to clad feet

With the solace of cotton

Nylon or bamboo

Destined for recycling

Though landfill will do

Protectors of soles!

You can’t live in a flock

I’ve no room in my life

For a solitary sock.

Substances

“He’s coked out of his head,”

She said “it’s a disgrace!”

“He’s naturally chatty,” I replied

“He’s socially exuberant

It seems he’s off his face

But really he’s just slightly bleary-eyed.”

“So why does he keep sniffling

Like an asthmatic Pekingese

And heading to the bathroom at some…speed?”

I said: “it’s just unfortunate

He has certain allergies

His physique is very sensitive indeed.”

Just then he leaned across and

With a lopsided leer

Began to tell a most unpleasant joke

She shook her head and sipped

At her non-alcoholic beer

As he collapsed on the table

With a stroke

I emptied out his pockets

Somewhat surreptitiously

Before the paramedics took him away

And flushed down the nearest toilet

Quite expeditiously

The substances I’d sold him yesterday

Irritating hipster pop-up joints

Irritating hipster restaurants make you sit on stools

No disabled access, wheelchairs aren’t very cool

15 quid a glass for their natural wine is cheap

Tastes like rancid vinegar and smells of compost heaps

Tasting menus, tiny plates or half-cooked things to share

Smelling of the rubber gloves the cooks all have to wear

A single “hand-dived” scallop, always served without the roe

In truth, scraped from the seabed, frozen several months ago

Irritating hipster pop-up celebrity head chef joints

Their sourdough breaks your teeth, they’re guaranteed to disappoint

All the warmth and comfort of a wartime works canteen

It’s highly gratifying, though, to tell folk that you’ve been

I’ve eaten better in McDonalds or in Burger King

Quicker service, cleaner toilets – that’s another thing

Where they don’t leave bones and gristle in their patties or their pies

And if you’re hungry you can always order double extra fries.