From religion to Alfa Romeo Alfettas and satellite launch sites. Artificial Intelligence will suck a writer dry, and then make mistakes…

Just to be clear, this is me talking. Or writing.

Straight to keyboard, brain to fingers via voicebox, because I speak my writing. Quietly, for the most part. I get strange glances on trains. There is a mumbler among us! But I have to say that I write, right now, fully aware that all my freely-available text is being swallowed, chewed and potentially regurgitated by AI. Which stands, lest we forget, for artificial intelligence. And I’m going to show you just a little of what it can do.

More acronyms: we are talking Generative AI (GenAI) and LLM (Large Language Models) here, like Chat GPT or the one I’ve been using, the much-feared Chinese digital, ah, ‘assistant’ called DeepSeek. They suck up text from a’ the airts: newspaper archives, books, anything that gets posted on the internet. Information and style. And then it can be tapped into by…anyone. For any purpose.

Yesterday I heard, from an impeccable source, that at least one recent Easter church sermon had been produced using AI, and it was, to quote a listener, “completely acceptable”. Now, having been reared as a fundamentalist brat and until the age of 28 a committed evangelical Christian with preaching, not to say ranting tendencies, this triggered all kinds of questions: Had the preacher in this case prayed for divine inspiration? What role did the Holy Spirit play in AI sermons? Did you have to program in theological or denominational bias? Were there Communist Chinese ghosts and demons in the DeepSeek machine? Did the computer in question have healing and blessing hands laid on it (as, in my distant past, a sound engineer once did with a recalcitrant mixing desk).

Then of course there’s the Ian-Banksian speculation that God is a super-evolved AI engine, finding all this very funny indeed…

Leaving such quaint and abstruse speculation aside, what about the whole notion of humanity in preaching to a human congregation? I wondered about the great, declamatory Presbyterian ministers of the 18th and 19th centuries, with their no-notes, two-to-three-hour pulpit epics?

And then I thought about Alfa Romeo 159 ‘Alfettas’. Racing cars.

I was thinking about Alfas becauise I had just watched a video – here it is…

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/15re6kH4RE/?mibextid=wwXIfr

…of the legendary racing driver Juan Manuel Fangio driving his astonishing 1950s Grand Prix car. I love the Alfetta (1500CC, straight 8, supercharged, just 1.5 miles per gallon of methanol,190mph, skinny tyres, manual steering, rear wheel drive) mainly because it was the first Dinky Toy I owned as child. I have just received a replacement from eBay and am so thrilled with it I can hardly speak. Or write, for that matter.

I’d been pondering a pece about my love affair with Alfa Romeos, so…why not experiment with AI? I told…asked…DeepSeek to write a humorous column on Alfa Romeos in the style of Tom Morton, expecting nothing much. To say I was shocked by the result is an understatement. Fair enough, there was an embarrassing degree of Jeremy Clarksonism in the tone and the jokes, but I was definitely in there. My stolen soul. I could tell that the hundreds of thousands of words I wrote for The Scotsman back in the day had been absorbed and were being recycled – I remember that Tomintoul column.

You can read the result in due course, unedited below.

But then I thought, I wonder what DeepSeek would make of a current news story? I’ve been doing some work on the somewhat odd state of play surrounding satellite launch sites in Scotland, mainly as the Saxa Vord space base in Unst is just a hop, skip and minor launchpad explosion away from where I live in Shetland. And interestingly, this is where AI’s limitations became apparent. The story Deep Seek produced in response to “write a news story about Scottish satellite launch sites” missed the fact that Orbex had paused development of its Sutherland site and shifted launch plans to Saxa Vord. There are shadowy subtleties to this story and many questions still being asked. Why does the Orbex website not mention the move to Saxa Vord for this year’s proposed launch? Are they going to give Highlands and Islands Enterprise its huge grant back? What’s really happening at Prestwick? What about Machrihanish and Stornoway? What is the role of Danish billionaire Anders Holch Povsen, biggest landowner in the Highlands, in stopping the Sutherland development and, through investment, redirecting all Thunderbirds activity to Shetland, well away from his wildlife haven and luxury bolthole?

The AI version follows..

Finally, it being General Assembly week in the Church of Scotland, I asked Deep Seek to write a wee sermon for a minister to address the assembled commissioners during the debate on assisted dying. I think ‘mealy mouthed’ just about covers it. Holy Wullie would be delighted…Just trying to be helpful. I note from watching some of the live streaming of the Assembly that many commissioners are reading their contributions from their mobile phones. Just saying. DeepSeek and ye shall find…

Can you trust ANY writing now to be completely human? I can assure you that everything above is just me and my clumpy fingers, hungover mind and worrying tendency to mutter.

But are you sure?

The following pieces are produced entirely by DeepSeek, cut and pasted without any editorial intervention, other changing the headings to bold text.

Please write a humorous 700 word column about Alfa Romeo cars in the style of Tom Morton

**Alfa Romeo: A Love Affair That Leaves You Stranded (But With A Smile On Your Face)**

By Tom Morton

There are two types of people in this world: those who think Alfa Romeo makes beautiful, passionate cars, and those who have actually owned one. I fall into both categories, which is why I’m currently waiting for the AA on a backroad near Tomintoul, admiring the sculpted curves of my Giulia’s engine bay while the rain soaks through my jeans.

Alfa Romeo is not a car company—it’s a lifestyle choice, like deciding to only eat vindaloo for a month or dating a poet. You don’t buy an Alfa because you want reliable transport. You buy an Alfa because your heart overruled your brain, your wallet, and every single *Which?* magazine review ever written.

### **The Alfa Romeo Experience**

Owning an Alfa is like being in a relationship with a stunningly attractive Italian who cooks like a god but also forgets to pay the electricity bill. You forgive them because, well, *look at them*. The first time you see an Alfa Romeo—a real one, not some Fiat in a fancy dress—your pulse quickens. The curves, the snarling badge, the way it sits on the road like it’s about to recite Dante… it’s automotive seduction.

Then you drive it.

The steering is alive, the engine sings like Pavarotti after three espressos, and the gearbox clicks into place with the precision of a Venetian watchmaker. You think: *This is it. This is motoring nirvana.*

And then the check engine light comes on.

### **The Check Engine Light: Your New Best Friend**

Alfa Romeo’s check engine light isn’t a warning—it’s a mood. It’s the car’s way of saying, *”Ciao, bello! Just reminding you I’m a complex, emotional being.”* Sometimes it illuminates because something’s wrong. Other times, it’s just lonely.

I once took my 156 to a mechanic because the check engine light had been on for six months. He plugged in the diagnostic computer, frowned, and said, “Huh. It’s in Italian.”

### **The Electrical System: A Work of Abstract Art**

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if you let a Renaissance painter design a wiring loom, buy an Alfa Romeo. The electrics operate on a system best described as *”capricious.”* One day, your power windows work. The next, they’ve decided they’re on strike in solidarity with the rear demister.

I once had an Alfa where the central locking only worked if you locked the doors in order of zodiac signs. Another where the radio volume increased every time you indicated left. These are not faults. These are *features*.

### **The Rust: A Love That Eats You Alive**

Alfas are made of steel, passion, and the tears of previous owners. The rustproofing, meanwhile, was apparently applied by a man with a water pistol full of olive oil. It’s not uncommon to see a 20-year-old Alfa with the mechanical heart of a champion and the structural integrity of a Rich Tea biscuit in tea.

I had a Spider once where the sills dissolved so completely, I could see the road passing beneath me. It was like driving a convertible, but with extra ventilation.

### **Why We Put Up With It**

Because when an Alfa Romeo is good, it’s *sublime*. There’s nothing like the wail of a Busso V6, the perfect weight of the steering, the way it dives into a corner like it’s trying to impress you.

Yes, it will bankrupt you. Yes, it will leave you stranded. Yes, you will develop a nervous twitch every time you hear an odd rattle. But when the sun’s out, the road’s empty, and that glorious Italian engine is howling, you’ll forget all the pain.

And then the check engine light will flicker again, and you’ll sigh, pat the dashboard, and say: *”Yes, car. I still love you too.”*

Now, if you’ll excuse me, the AA man’s here. And he’s laughing.

Please write a 300 word news report on satellite launch sites in Scotland

**Scotland’s Space Ambitions Take Off with New Satellite Launch Sites**

Scotland is rapidly emerging as a key player in the European space industry, with multiple satellite launch sites in development, aiming to make the country the first in Europe to offer vertical orbital launches.

### **Sutherland Spaceport: Leading the Charge**

The most advanced project is **Sutherland Spaceport**, located on the A’Mhoine peninsula in the Highlands. Operated by **Orbex**, this site is set to become the UK’s first vertical launch spaceport, with plans for its inaugural **Prime rocket launch in 2025**. The facility will support small satellite deployments, catering to the growing demand for Earth observation and communications technology. Despite environmental concerns, developers emphasise its low-impact design, using renewable biofuel to minimise emissions.

### **Shetland Space Centre: Polar Orbit Potential**

Meanwhile, **SaxaVord Spaceport** on Unst, Shetland, is preparing for **hybrid and liquid-fueled rocket launches**, with German firm **Rocket Factory Augsburg** and UK-based **Skyrora** among its key partners. Its northern latitude makes it ideal for polar and Sun-synchronous orbits, attracting international interest. Delays due to licensing issues have pushed its first launch to **late 2024 or early 2025**, but the site remains a critical part of Scotland’s space infrastructure.

### **Prestwick: Horizontal Launch Hub**

Glasgow Prestwick Airport is positioning itself as Europe’s leading **horizontal launch site**, with **Astraius** planning air-launched satellite missions from modified Boeing 747s. The airport’s long runway and transatlantic flight connections make it a strategic logistics hub for the space sector.

### **Economic Boost & Global Competition**

With Scotland hosting more **small satellite manufacturers per capita than anywhere outside California**, the new launch sites could generate **thousands of jobs** and cement the UK’s place in the global space race. As the countdown begins, Scotland’s “**Space Glen**” is ready for liftoff.

— *Reporting by [Your Name], May 2024*

Please write a speech to the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland on Assisted Dying

Moderator, members of the General Assembly, sisters and brothers in Christ,

We gather today to discuss one of the most profound moral questions of our time: assisted dying. This issue touches the deepest parts of our humanity—compassion and suffering, autonomy and vulnerability, life and death.

As Christians, we hold sacred the dignity of every human life, believing each person is made in the image of God. Yet we also recognize the reality of unbearable suffering, the cry for mercy, and the plea for choice in the face of terminal illness. Scripture calls us to “weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15), but it does not give us easy answers on how to respond when suffering seems unrelenting.

The Church must approach this debate with humility, listening to those who face agonizing pain, to families who have walked this difficult path, and to medical professionals who balance care with conscience. We must ask: How do we uphold the sanctity of life while also extending Christ-like compassion to those in despair?

Some fear that legalizing assisted dying could undermine our commitment to care for the vulnerable. Others argue that denying choice compounds suffering. This tension demands rigorous ethical reflection, not quick judgment.

Let us seek a way forward that honors both the sacredness of life and the call to love our neighbor. Whether we support or oppose assisted dying, may our discussions be marked by grace, wisdom, and above all, a commitment to walking alongside those who suffer—offering hope, comfort, and the assurance of God’s abiding presence in life’s darkest valleys.

Thank you.

(This speech balances theological reflection with pastoral sensitivity, acknowledging the complexity of the issue while urging compassionate dialogue.)

This is me again. Having spent the morning on this, I don’t think there’s any doubt that large chunks of ‘news’ and ‘features’ being sold in print as well as online are being produced…artificially. And software is being used to edit copy. Which raises the question: how do I proceed? There are around 800 subscribers to this newsletter and regularly up to 1500 views, and I presume partial reads of my posts. How many are human, though? How many care if I am?