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  • Means tests, stigma, hating Thought For the Day, and physical comedy during the Sermon on the Mount

    How can you provide invisible, practical help for those in need? “It’s 10 to eight; time now for Thought for the Day…” ALEXA! OFF! I detest the patronising, often glutinous, stale religious croissant that is Thought for the Day on BBC Radio Four’s otherwise unmissable Today Programme. As smartspeakers proliferate, there will eventually come a…

  • Unleash the comedy bicycle!

    In which I finally fold and buy a Brompton I am 16 stones and 13 pounds in old money. Call it 107 kilogrammes. Oh, all right, 107 and a half kilogrammes. Yes, I am loosely (very casually) trying to lose weight, in imitation of my wife who has managed to shed three stones just by…

  • Mother Russia (On the Beach in Moscow, Ayrshire)

    From Nevil Shute’s post-apocalypse novel to Alex Salmond on Russia Today There are childhood books that leave a mark, and books that scar you forever. Wolf Mankowitz’s novella Make me An Offer, encountered at the age of 12, left me obsessed with the Portland Vase and the seamier side of the antiques trade. Alistair MacLean’s…

  • "A bit of a dampener on a wedding…"

    Why I won’t risk falling over while conducting funerals or marriages It’s coming up for six years since I first began conducting funerals, mostly here in the Shetland Islands. Somewhere between 80 and 90, I think, the last in Unst, Shetland’s northernmost island, at the start of the year. These were mostly secular funerals, but…

  • Ghost ships

    “On the plane, you think you’re going to die; on the boat…you wish you were dead…” I’ve been remembering the old ships, the P&O vessels that used to sail between Aberdeen and Shetland come hell or the highest of winds. Battered old third or fourth-hand ro-ro ferries, rusty and rolling like buckets in the surf.…

  • A promise in the darkness

    Someday we’ll dance, and the dragonships will burn The Shetland days are starting to lengthen, but your soul doesn’t know it. Your body drags through each tiny day into the long evening, the longer midnight. The spirit sags. You’re suffering from Shetlag. There’s no uplift in mood. Maybe the darkness shortens, marginally, but it deepens, and…

  • Guided by seagulls."We contributed to these islands! You're standing on her…"

    Shetland, Season six, episode six. The finale Note: Many, many spoilers. Do NOT read if you haven’t seen episode six of the show, or have any intention of watching it. Here we go! Tarquin, Struan, Farquhar, Jocelyn, Heathcliffe and all the Nivens including the Liberal Democrat. The dead lawyer and the dodgy consultant whose wife…

  • Sheep for goalposts! “I really want to know what the hell this adds up to…”

    Shetland, season six, episode five I recently binged the extraordinarily brutal, very funny, totally French and non-vegetarian series ParisPolice 1900 (recommended only for non-knitters; subtitles don’t work with Fair Isle purling). The necessity with Shetland of week-by-week watching makes a creakily crammed plot almost completely incomprehensible. This season is both extraordinarily stretched and full of…

  • 𝐒𝐮𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐛𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬! 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭’𝐬 𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞?

    𝐒𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝, 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐬𝐢𝐱, 𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐝𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝘚𝘗𝘖𝘐𝘓𝘌𝘙 𝘈𝘓𝘌𝘙𝘛! 𝘋𝘰 𝘕𝘖𝘛 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯’𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘦𝘱𝘪𝘴𝘰𝘥𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘳 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘛𝘝 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘚𝘩𝘦𝘵𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘥. 𝘙𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘱: 𝘈 𝘭𝘢𝘸𝘺𝘦𝘳, 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘶𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘥 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥. 𝘗𝘦𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦 𝘑𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘻, 𝘢 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘬𝘦𝘺-𝘫𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘥𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘚𝘩𝘦𝘵𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘴, 𝘪𝘯𝘷𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘴. 𝘈 𝘯𝘰𝘯-𝘯𝘶𝘯 𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘢…

  • “It’s TOO LATE! He’s been infected with…DRONE BLOOD!”

    Shetland, Season 6, episode 3 SPOILERS! Do not read if you’ve not seen episode three of Shetland and have no wish to be spoilt. And yes, I know it’s “just a story”. The shadow cast by STV’s Taggart over Scottish drama and indeed police TV fiction generally is longer than Rebus’s list of desirable Rory…