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Why I won’t risk falling over while conducting funerals or marriages It’s coming up for six years since I first began conducting funerals, mostly here in the Shetland Islands. Somewhere between 80 and 90, I think, the last in Unst, Shetland’s northernmost island, at the start of the year. These were mostly secular funerals, but…

“On the plane, you think you’re going to die; on the boat…you wish you were dead…” I’ve been remembering the old ships, the P&O vessels that used to sail between Aberdeen and Shetland come hell or the highest of winds. Battered old third or fourth-hand ro-ro ferries, rusty and rolling like buckets in the surf.…

Someday we’ll dance, and the dragonships will burn The Shetland days are starting to lengthen, but your soul doesn’t know it. Your body drags through each tiny day into the long evening, the longer midnight. The spirit sags. You’re suffering from Shetlag. There’s no uplift in mood. Maybe the darkness shortens, marginally, but it deepens, and…

Shetland, Season six, episode six. The finale Note: Many, many spoilers. Do NOT read if you haven’t seen episode six of the show, or have any intention of watching it. Here we go! Tarquin, Struan, Farquhar, Jocelyn, Heathcliffe and all the Nivens including the Liberal Democrat. The dead lawyer and the dodgy consultant whose wife…

Shetland, season six, episode five I recently binged the extraordinarily brutal, very funny, totally French and non-vegetarian series ParisPolice 1900 (recommended only for non-knitters; subtitles don’t work with Fair Isle purling). The necessity with Shetland of week-by-week watching makes a creakily crammed plot almost completely incomprehensible. This season is both extraordinarily stretched and full of…

𝐒𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝, 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐬𝐢𝐱, 𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐝𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝘚𝘗𝘖𝘐𝘓𝘌𝘙 𝘈𝘓𝘌𝘙𝘛! 𝘋𝘰 𝘕𝘖𝘛 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯’𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘦𝘱𝘪𝘴𝘰𝘥𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘳 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘛𝘝 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘚𝘩𝘦𝘵𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘥. 𝘙𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘱: 𝘈 𝘭𝘢𝘸𝘺𝘦𝘳, 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘶𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘥 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥. 𝘗𝘦𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦 𝘑𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘻, 𝘢 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘬𝘦𝘺-𝘫𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘥𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘚𝘩𝘦𝘵𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘴, 𝘪𝘯𝘷𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘴. 𝘈 𝘯𝘰𝘯-𝘯𝘶𝘯 𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘢…

Shetland, Season 6, episode 3 SPOILERS! Do not read if you’ve not seen episode three of Shetland and have no wish to be spoilt. And yes, I know it’s “just a story”. The shadow cast by STV’s Taggart over Scottish drama and indeed police TV fiction generally is longer than Rebus’s list of desirable Rory…

Shetland, Series 6, Episode 2. No-one minds the writers and producers of TV drama messing around a bit with geography. Or for that matter, facts in general. In the case of Shetland, where the star of the show is the island scenery, you can sympathise with their various fast-and-loose playing with locations: placing Sumburgh and…

“Even the plukes appear to be method acting…” I do feel for actors as they emerge, pale, hungover and blinking from behind their masks and locked-down Zoom monologues to face the cameras once more. And especially those involved in Shetland, who found themselves having to whip off their face coverings like Scandic-noir Zorbas to be…

A essay in rhyme and pictures Checking in “Where are your masks, lads?” “I’m exempt! I’ve got my driving licence here!” “Aye, me too, ’cause if I wear one, pal, I get the fear” ” I cannae drink my beer” “And that’s why we’re here, tae sink A hundred pints a fucking night, Alright? What…