1- General election has to be postponed after Alistair Darling’s eyebrows unexpectedly turn orange and David Cameron is victim of a daring partial head-shaving attack whilst snoozing on a bus.

2- Russell Brand’s utter absence of talent is sensationally revealed after Katy Perry releases YouTube video of him learning Michael McIntyre routine phonetically. He offers his body for live televised vivisection, but is turned down flat.

3- Alex Salmond’s secret attempt to control eyebrows (what is it with politicans and their eyebrows?) through Botox injection goes disastrously wrong. Treatment in private London clinic leads to collapse in SNP support and offers of a transplant from both Colin Farrell and Noel Gallagher.

4- Norway invades the Shetland Isles , annexes all North Sea and UK Atlantic oil fields, and immediately begins puffin harvest throughout the Greater Zetlandics. Call to arm RSPB wardens receives wide support. Shetlanders vote to become Norwegian subjects on condition all current Shetland Islands councillors and senior executives are imprisoned for life on Spitzbergen.

5- Wearing of kilt declared compulsory for all male and female primary pupils in Scotland, subject to wind conditions. Anemometers fitted in every community over 1000 pupils linked to central computer in Edinburgh. Wind speeds of above 45 knots allow wearing of trousers. At lower wind speeds, a ‘trouser certificate’ must be provided signed by a doctor and a qualified meteorologist.

6- Michael Russell’s blog (rampantnat.blogspot.com) is removed from the web following accusations that he was once mildly rude about Nicola Sturgeon’s hair. Which she has taken to wearing in a feathered mullet following her attendance at a Billy Ray Cyrus line-dancing weekend in Dunoon.

7- Coldplay and Radiohead merge. Cannot decide if they should be called Radioplay or Coldhead. Release cover of Milli Vanilli’s Blame It On the Rain

8- Live action Hollywood movie of The Broons is announced. Director James Cameron says he’s hoping for Kate Winslett to play Maggie, and Brian Cox as Paw. ‘I’m trying to convince Helen Mirren to try out as Maw’ he says, ‘but Tavish Scott has already agreed to a guest appearance as Oor Wullie. Neil Oliver will be Horace.’

9- Judy Murray becomes Scotland football manager after Craig Levein is sacked following a seven-nil home defeat by the Farne Islands

10- Donald Trump given permission and 80 per cent grants to dig 20-foot wide trench around new golf course and hotel development in Aberdeenshire, erect electrified fences around the perimeter and man guard towers with machine guns. ‘How else will we be able to keep the guests in?’ he asks.