Beatcroft

….and a new Pollokshaws Cadillac show – volume 13

The new Pollokshaws Cadillac show is now streaming on Mixcloud. You can find the full playlist at the end of this newsletter, but it includes much island and north of Scotland action – music from John o’Groats, Shetland, Skye and… Auchtermuchty!

The three pieces of doggerel that follow are part of a show that may or may not be performed at the Ollaberry Kirk Social next month. The Shetland Bestiary casts a jaundiced eye over the romanticisation of wildlife…there will be music, but not just yet…

Bonxies

(A Bonxie is the Shetlandic name for that marauder of the skies, the Great Skua)

Bonxies

They are big and brown and frankly rather dirty

If you get too close to them

They can get somewhat shirty

And if they’re really cross they might impale you on their beak

And cause you to keel over if you have a heart that’s weak

Bonxies

They will zoom down like a bomber through the air

You can wave a stick like fury but a Bonxie doesn’t care

They’ll snatch it from your hand and crunch it like it was a puffin

They’re really not that friendly and I’ll tell you that for nuffin…

Bonxies

I saw one once much bigger than an eagle

It ate a cat, a rat a King Charles Spaniel and a Beagle

It flew off with our picnic, we chased as fast as were able

It kept the food and drink but finally it dropped the table

So take great care with bonxies they can really be a danger

I saw one pick a pick up up but it was only a Ford Ranger

That truck fell in the sea and sank before my very eyes

I think it’s fair to say that the driver was surprised

(If he’d thought for  one iota

He’d have ordered a Toyota)

The Ballad of Terry Nutkins

(The late Terry Nutkins was a popular television naturalist whose career began as a teenage assistant to legendary author of the book Ring of Bright Water, Gavin Maxwell. His hand was badly savaged by one of Maxwell’s supposedly tame otters)

Otters bite

Oh yes that’s right

They’ll crunch right  through your skin muscle and bone

Otters bite

They hunt at night

For  humans they find wandering alone

Otters  have claws

And vicious jaws

For munching  ears noses and toes it’s true

Otters bite

They like to fight

 They’ve killed killer whales an kangaroos 

Ring of Bright Water

Is a lovely tale and true

But remember Terry Nutkins

Got chewed

Otter meat

Some say is sweet

I’d rather eat a Shetland pony

Sometimes it’s true

They’re barbecued 

But I found  them rather bony

Ring of Bright Water

Is a lovely tale and true

But remember Terry Nutkins

Got chewed

Otters are best

When laid to rest

Along with dodos and Irish elks

And when they’re done

We’ll have some fun

Tourists can try and spot  some handsome whelks

So let the lesson linger

Keep counting all your fingers

Ring of Bright Water

Is a lovely tale and true

But remember Terry Nutkins

Got chewed

Otters are rotters

Otters are rotters

They’re cannibalistic

And what’s more they’re nasty and vicious 

They don’t turn a hair, if no alternative’s there

Of finding their offspring delicious

They kill for the thrill

My hens ducks and geese

Just to watch the poor animals die 

Then they pose and they preen

If any tourists are seen

“How cuddly and cute” they all sigh

Otters are basically whitrits, or stoats

You’ll admit the resemblance lingers

Even though they can swim

They’re essentially grim

Terry Nutkins: one bit off his fingers

I blame Gavin Maxwell 

(That basking shark killer)

Henry Williamson’s Tarka the Otter

Pure sentimentality

When the reality’s

Very far from a Ring of Bright Water

Some say the pests

Should be eradicated 

And hunt them with crossbow and trap

But when visitors stay

We’re content to display

Our great love for the furry wee chaps!

The Otter hunters

‘Draatsie’ is a Shetland dialect name for an otter. Until the arrival of nature tourists, otters were considered by locals a vicious pest that killed chickens, often for fun.

The otter hunters filled their boots

With ash, gravel and sand

To stop the draatsies nibbling their feet

They couldn’t bite their ankles 

So they chewed off half their hands

Which left the hunters somewhat incomplete

Heavy Heartless — Neon Waltz
Hard Pass — Hound
Sitting in the Stern of a Boat — Aly Bain & Phil Cunningham
Don’t Sit on My Jimmy Shands — Richard Thompson
The Bluebell Polka (feat. Jimmy Shand) Foster & Allen
The Hands That Learn to Give Yvonne Lyon, Gareth Davies-Jones & David Lyon
Been Too Long — The Kissing Bandits
Swampsnake — The Sensational Alex Harvey Band
Grace (Remastered) — Lloyd Cole & The Commotions
Banjoland — Clive Palmer & Wizz Jones
Last Train To Glasgow Central (Live) — Billy Connolly
I Don’t Want a Lover — Texas
Oh My God — Kassidy
No Cigarettes — Withered Hand
Outsider in Love — Findlay Napier
Reynardine — Archie Fisher
Rest and Be Thankful — Linden
Amber — Superstar
Superstar — Rod Stewart
Troubled Waters — Freda Leask
In My Arms — Mylo
Heavy Heartless (the Stroma Sessions) — Neon Waltz